I had the harrowing realization this morning that I need companionship to be successful. I say "harrowing," because it is way, the fuck, easier to not do the whole companionship thing.
Two years ago, I started a job that was much better paying than the one I left. For the first time in my adult life, I didn't feel like I was drowning. I didn't have to worry about days of Stouffer's pot pies in the three days leading up to pay day. I bought my first designer bag. I felt like I could exhale. Finally.
Something else really interesting started happening. I started giving to homeless people...a lot. I stopped avoiding eye contact. I stopped ignoring them as I rushed by. I had everything that I needed to take care of me, so I used some of the surplus to buy a lot of meals for people who needed it. I understood what it was like to not have food, so I did what I could to remove that worry from their day. One guy had an open wound on his leg, so I threw some first aid essentials in with a sandwich and water. He was this young guy with the most incredible eyes I've ever seen. Young and beautiful and homeless and sick. I still think about him.
Having what I needed meant that I could literally spread the wealth. Having what I needed gave me the freedom to help others. I didn't have to clutch tightly and protect. I could now spill it outwards.
I've started to think that about companionship.
It started by realizing that I want a partner. Now, I think it's more than that. I think I need one.
It's even possible that I need it more than most and that my absolute refusal to acknowledge that is strongly rooted in my fear of appearing needy or becoming reliant on someone else. It is So. Much. Easier. to go at it all alone.
I'm looking for something very simple. I want someone to ask how my day was and care about the answer. I need someone in my life who cares about the status of my wellbeing and if it's slipping wants to do things with their day to improve it. And I'm definitely not saying that this would be a one-way path.
Right now, my "Does Any Of This Even Matter" account is completely self-funded. And sometimes, I'm not sure that it does. It's like the emotional version of working too hard at a job that barely keeps your lights on. You've got to focus on you. You've got to take care of you. Because that is your only option.
There are so many things that we look for when choosing our partner, but maybe the most essential thing is finding someone to have a joint We Give A Shit About Each Other account. It certainly seems to appreciate in value at a much quicker rate than my I Did All The Things For Myself And I Was The Only One There To Notice savings bond.
If making enough money to feel comfortable made me start giving to those who need, what would feeling the stream of someone else's care do?