I started a post about my feelings of depression and deleted it. The main gist was that sometimes I write just to clear a little way for hope and that it can feel like my heart is trying to drop out of my butt. Just push itself out of my body and stick to the floor. It sucks.
But I deleted it.
For me, writing has always been an escape in some ways. It was a way to prove myself. Even if no one wanted to hear me speak, they would usually read what I wrote. My sixth grade teacher would always remark on my clear "voice" in our writing assignments. And, really, it has been my main voice for most of my life - a way for me to figure out who I am, what I believe and what I want to say with my life.
Depression and anxiety are monsters that I deal with regularly. For me, depression isn't a hormone thing. It's caused by outside factors, like my dad. This emotional warfare attacks me from the outside until I can't keep it out any longer. It comes from a sense of loss and helplessness. My anxiety comes from a fear of being depressed. Will I say something that makes me unaccepted? Will I do something that makes me unaccepted? Do I look in a way that'll make me unaccepted? Maybe I should just stay in my apartment, never leave and just stop talking to everyone so there's no chance to be unaccepted?
Everyone's depression comes to them in a different way and from different sources. That's why there's no real one stop cure for it. You can't make your foundational relationships treat you better or care about you more. You can't force the people around you to make non-hurtful decisions. And, beyond medication, you can't really tell your brain to stop firing off jerky hormones who make you feel like a terrible person. Your last remaining freedom is to decide how you want to think about it and how you are going to let it effect the core pieces of who you are.
It's important to address the dark things in your life. You can only put blinders on for so long. And that's for me to figure out in my offline world. For this and for you, I can create happiness when I'm not feeling it. I can imagine laughter when I can't find it. Sometimes, depression may take away my desire to get out of bed or brush my hair, but it can't take away my ability to create something light out of the darkness.
Fake it until you make it.
Even though I deleted that first post, it looks like I still needed to be all open heart with you guys. Geez.
I guess I'm writing this to say that I want Accidentally Sexy to be a place for us all to share our happiness, to focus on the things that make life wonderful and to look for that shiny silver lining. All of the things that have kept me alive.
Depression can feel like the entire world is pushing you into a tiny, tiny space and you are imploding like a dying star. I like to think that this pressure has made me into a bright diamond. The way to cut through darkness is to radiate light. Turn your light off and you are toast.
Shine bright like a diamond.
Light 'em up.
Whatever you choose.
For me, I'm going to write more happiness into the world. And I hope you will too. The world needs more happiness. And we are the ones to create it.
What is something that gives you happiness? Can you recall the last time you felt happy? Was it this weekend? You lucky thing! Share it in the comments below. You never know who needs to feel in your light.